Mending a Friendship Misstep: Tips for Apologizing to a Friend
Apologies. Ugh. Most of us have a complicated relationship to making them, either because we overly-apologize too much or because we refuse to make them at all. Both ends of this extreme spectrum can wreak havoc on your friendships. But there is a sweet spot between the two not if, but WHEN, you f*ck up in a friendship and an apology is warranted.
So, how can you know if you need to apologize to a friend?
Trust your instincts. Has the mood shifted in your friendship? Do you find that your friend is avoiding you in some way or pulling back from your relationship with them? Or, have they directly communicated that you caused them harm in some way? These are indications that you want to consider apologizing to a friend.
And what if they're upset but you feel like you did nothing wrong?
Focus on IMPACT over intention. You may feel like you did nothing wrong, and you certainly did not have the intention of upsetting your friend. But the IMPACT is what matters here, and your friend is upset about something. You're apologizing for that impact-- not for your intention.
Here are some important guidelines to help you authentically apologize to a friend after you have hurt them:
1. Take accountability
Have a brave, albeit hard, conversation. This is where that focus on impact instead of intention is incredibly helpful! Start with, "The impact of what I did/said caused you harm, and that is definitely not a good feeling in a friendship. Can we talk about it so you can let me know what was hurtful and what I can do differently moving forward?" Then, LISTEN TO YOUR FRIEND. Like, really, truly listen. Let them know you care about healing this rupture, and that you value the friendship. Friends that feel heard are also more open to listening in turn.
2. Be specific in what you’re apologizing for
Vagueness can be invalidating and come across as inauthentic. Being specific in your apology demonstrates intentionality to do things differently moving forward and really demonstrates that you are truly hearing how you caused hurt to your friend. Here’s a great equation for crafting a specific apology:
What you did/did not do + how this impacted your friend
For example: “I am sorry for flaking on your birthday party without giving you a heads up, and not considering how this could be hurtful to you.”
3. Avoid excuses
Don't use your apology as a way to justify your actions. Avoid "but" at all costs! Nothing erodes an apology more than saying, "I am so sorry and take accountability for how I hurt you BUT...". A true apology stays focused on the impact of your words or actions on your friend.
4. Don’t gaslight your friend or invalidate their feelings
This might be obvious, and yet, it bears repeating, juuuust in case: don't invalidate your friend's feelings. And telling them that they're "too sensitive" or "shouldn't be so upset" also negates anything you're attempting to apologize for. If you don't truly feel the value of your apology in repairing your friendship, give yourself time. An inauthentic, performed or gas-lighty apology is worse than waiting until you feel ready to work on repair.
5. Be patient with rebuilding trust
An apology is not always a guarantee that the friendship will fully repair. Understand that your friend might need time to process your apology and decide how they feel. Don’t pressure them for immediate forgiveness (remember, the apology is for them to consider, not about you getting absolution as quickly as possible!). Give them the space they need, and be patient. True healing takes time, and your willingness to wait shows your commitment to the friendship. In the meantime: show up or give space, depending on what your friend is asking for; be reliable, keep your promises, and use your actions to show that you value your friend and the friendship.
While it’s no party when you face a rupture in your friendship, remember that how you navigate the repair process is where the healing happens.
Apologizing with intention and integrity, and then demonstrating your commitment to doing things differently moving forward, can work wonders for helping your friendship recover and come back stronger than ever with more honesty, vulnerability and trust.
Layne Baker, LMFT
As a licensed therapist in California, I help high achieving, overly-responsible perfectionists learn how to get crystal clear about their values, have confidence in their decisions, set boundaries with loved ones, trust their instincts and take care of themselves for REAL.
For online therapy support in Los Angeles, San Fransisco, and the greater California area, reach out today.
