Considering Friendship with an Ex? How to Make Your Right-Fit Decision
Dissolving a romantic relationship is often a complex and emotional experience. And one of the most challenging decisions to make post-breakup is whether or not to stay friends with your ex.
In fact, the very term "Ex" bakes in the implication that we are supposed to excommunicate or cut someone out of our lives by virtue of the fact the relationship as we knew it to be, has ended. But this does not always have to be the case! Especially if you feel that you value your former partner as a person and want to explore an active participation in friendship with them.
But first… is it even a good idea to stay friends with an ex?
This depends on the nature of the relationship and the breakup.
If the relationship:
included any abusive behaviors such as intimate partner violence, emotional and/or psychological abuse;
was marked by significant betrayal through cheating or secret keeping patterns;
was in any other way a threat to safety or source of harm;
These indicate that the relationship was not founded on a shared experience of safety, trust and respect-- elements that are just as crucial to healthy friendships as they are to romantic partnerships.
If the relationship was overall a healthy experience where partners felt safe, trusting and respected, but somewhere along the way, something shifted and the romantic partnership no longer made sense, this could be a time to consider if you would like to stay friends with an ex.
If you're grappling with this decision, here are some helpful factors to consider.
1. Assess Your Feelings– Honestly
Before making any decisions, take some time to honestly assess your feelings.
Ask yourself:
Do I still have romantic feelings for my ex?
Am I hoping that staying friends might lead to getting back together?
Am I truly ready to see them with someone else?
If there are unresolved emotions or hopes of rekindling the romance, staying friends might not be the healthiest option.
2. Consider the Breakup Circumstances
The nature of your breakup plays a significant role in whether a friendship is feasible.
Reflect on the following:
Was the breakup mutual and amicable, or was it filled with conflict and hurt?
Were there any deal-breakers or betrayals involved, such as infidelity?
A peaceful, mutual breakup is more conducive to a friendship than one marked by pain and mistrust.
3. Evaluate the Benefits and Drawbacks
Weigh the pros and cons of maintaining a friendship with your ex.
Some examples of this might include:
You already know each other well, and you might enjoy each other’s company. Staying friends can also provide emotional support (BENEFIT).
Seeing your ex regularly might hinder your healing process. It might also be awkward or painful to navigate romantic relationships with new partners (DRAWBACK).
4. Set Clear Boundaries
If you decide to stay friends, establishing clear boundaries is crucial.
Discuss and agree on:
How often you’ll communicate and see each other.
What topics are off-limits (e.g., new romantic interests).
How you’ll handle potential jealousy or discomfort.
Clear boundaries help ensure that both parties feel respected and comfortable. It's okay to have limits around the now-friendship, especially in its beginning. If there are certain activities, social spaces or conversation topics that you don't feel comfortable with, talk about those things together-- and always give yourself permission to change your mind as your feelings and/or comfort evolves along the way.
5. Take Time Apart First
Giving yourself a period of no contact can be beneficial. This time allows both of you to heal and gain perspective. After some distance, you might find it easier to transition to a platonic relationship without the emotional baggage.
6. Listen to Your Intuition
Sometimes, your gut feeling can be your best guide. If staying friends feels right and natural, it might be worth exploring. Conversely, if the idea fills you with anxiety or dread, it might be best to maintain distance. TRUST YOURSELF!!
7. Seek Support
Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or counselor can provide valuable insights. They can offer an objective perspective and help you navigate your emotions and decisions. Therapy in particular is a fab-u-lous space for navigating your considerations for trying friendship with an ex.
8. Respect Each Other’s Decisions
Here comes the hard part: remember that both parties need to be comfortable with the arrangement. If your ex isn’t interested in maintaining a friendship, respect their decision and focus on your own healing journey.
9. And finally… KNOW YOUR “WHY.”
Discomfort and uncertainty are bound to arise when a relationship shifts from romance to friendship, and those feelings can take you off your center (and your reasons) for why the romance came to an end. Get as clear as you can about WHY it matters to you that you pursue a friendship with a former partner.
Deciding whether or not to stay friends with an ex is deeply personal and depends on many factors, including your feelings, the nature of the breakup, and your ability to establish healthy boundaries. By taking the time to reflect and prioritize your well-being, you can make a choice that best supports your emotional health and future relationship wellness.
Layne Baker, LMFT
As a licensed therapist in California, I help high achieving, overly-responsible perfectionists learn how to get crystal clear about their values, have confidence in their decisions, set boundaries with loved ones, trust their instincts and take care of themselves for REAL.
For online therapy support in Los Angeles, San Fransisco, and the greater California area, reach out today.
