What is Interdependence? How Independence + Connection can be a Game Changer for your Relationship Health
All-or-nothing-thinking has a fantastic ability to mess with you, even when it comes to your relationships. Sometimes it can make striking the balance between your independence and leaning on your relationship feel impossible, taking the form of thoughts like:
I’m scared to “lose” my independence.
I’m worried about being “too” dependent on my partner.
I don’t need my partner to fulfill all my needs… does that mean they’re not right for me?
Many people struggle with the misconception that they must choose between being completely self-sufficient to maintain their sense of independence or risk falling into the trap of total dependence on their partner. Choice A or Choice B. All. Or. Nothing. But there IS a position between these two poles, and it actually has a name! In fact, relationship health often thrives in this HOLY GRAIL of relationshipping: Interdependence.
The Spectrum of Relationship Dynamics
On one end of the spectrum lies complete independence, where partners lead separate lives with minimal emotional or practical reliance on each other. While this might work for some, it often leads to emotional distance and a lack of intimacy.
On the other end is codependency, where one or both partners rely excessively on the other for their emotional needs, often leading to an unhealthy dynamic where personal growth and self-identity are compromised.
Interdependence, positioned in the middle, is the sweet spot that allows for a harmonious blend of both worlds. It acknowledges the importance of personal growth and space while also recognizing the value of mutual support and connection. This dynamic fosters a relationship where both people feel valued and respected, contributing to overall happiness, trust and stability.
Unlike codependency, where one partner might lose their sense of self in the relationship, interdependence encourages both partners to grow individually AND together. It’s not about losing oneself in the relationship but finding strength and support through a balanced connection. Real talk: your relationship is meant to enhance your experience of yourself in addition to what you contribute to your partner.
Meet the Barriers
Sounds fabulous, right? Who wouldn’t want a relationship where you each get to feel your own, defined edges AND have rock-solid connection with another person? Sometimes, it’s not that simple– thanks to a too-long list of barriers including:
Fear of Vulnerability
Past Relationship Problems
Differing Expectations and Needs
Worry of Losing Independence
Insecurity
Low Self-Esteem
Communication Gaps
Cultural Influences
Socialized Norms
Control Issues
Power Dynamics
Lack of Self-Awareness
That can seriously get in the way and make interdependence seem difficult to achieve. Understanding these barriers, getting the right support and working through them can help you and your partner earn interdependence and make it your reality. This requires intentional effort, self-reflection, collaboration with your partner and often, professional guidance. In fact, working with a therapist is one way that you can work towards creating a healthier, more balanced, and interdependent relationship.
Building Interdependence in Your Relationship
So how do you go about building interdependence with your partner? Let’s break it down.
1. Practice Healthy Communication
Open and Honest Dialogue: Check in on a regular basis to discuss feelings, needs, and expectations. This helps to ensure that both of you are on the same page and, if it turns out you’re not, gives you the opportunity to get back into alignment before something combusts.
Active Listening: Pay attention to your partner’s words and emotions without immediately responding or judging. Practice repeating back to them what you heard them say and following it up with, “did I get that right?” This repetition also gives you natural space between what they have said and what your response is, reducing the risk of reacting without thinking first.
2. Promote Trust and Respect
Consistent Actions: Build trust through reliability and consistency in your actions. Of course you’re human and wonderfully imperfect, so you will inevitably slip in your consistency from time to time because life happens. But if your overall consistency is there, that’s what creates the reliability that fosters trust.
Boundaries and Personal Space: Respect each other’s personal boundaries and space, and clearly communicate your needs and limits. Honoring each other’s personal space is crucial for maintaining individuality within the relationship.
Shared Core Values: Identify which of your values overlap with your partner’s. Your shared core values make up the baseline from which to have trusting, respectful conversations that create a sense of emotional safety even in the midst of conflict or differing perspectives.
3. Engage in Mutual Support
Balanced Care: Offer support when your partner needs it, but also recognize when to encourage their independence.
Shared Responsibilities: Work together in managing things like household tasks, financial decisions, and emotional support.
4. Champion Your Individuality (for yourself and each other!)
Encourage personal growth and hobbies– support each other’s interests and activities.
Celebrate individual achievements and encourage personal development outside the relationship.
Delight in your partner spending time with their friends, without you. And do the same for yourself.
5. Invest in Your Togetherness
Create shared goals and experiences you wish to have together. Whether it’s traveling, working on a project, or saving for a future investment, shared experiences fortify your bond.
Check in with each other often to make sure you’re feeling good and aligned with how you’re spending your time together.
The Recap
Interdependence in relationships is about finding a balance that nurtures both partners’ individual growth while fostering a deep, supportive connection. It’s about thriving together and individually, creating a partnership where both people feel valued and supported. By embracing interdependence, partners can build stronger, healthier relationships that are resilient and incredibly fulfilling. Take the time to evaluate your relationship dynamics and work towards creating a balance that brings out the best in both of you. AMEN to that!
Not sure where to get started? Seeking therapy for relationships can be an excellent way to dive into your exploration of interdependence. This can be couples therapy if both you and your partner are ready to tackle your challenges together, or working with a therapist individually to unpack your own barriers and target your desired changes. If the latter is you AND you live in California, I’d love to set up a chat and discuss how working with me 1:1 via online therapy can help you and your relationship thrive in glorious interdependence!
Layne Baker, LMFT
As a licensed therapist in California, I help high achieving, overly-responsible perfectionists learn how to get crystal clear about their values, have confidence in their decisions, set boundaries with loved ones, trust their instincts and take care of themselves for REAL.
For online therapy support in Los Angeles, San Fransisco, and the greater California area, reach out today.
