It’s the Most Boundaryless Time of the Year
If Your Rock Solid Boundaries Get Eviscerated By Holiday Stress + Family Gatherings… Start Here.
Truth Bomb:
Time with family can often be a real record-scratch on all the hard work that you have poured into your personal growth and mental fitness. This applies to all 365 days of the year, but none more intensely than during the November + December holiday stress– season, I mean season. As you get closer to the year’s end, making travel plans and preparing for stressful– festive– I mean festive, gatherings, you might also find yourself bracing for the inevitable challenges that come with spending a more concentrated time with your family. The expectations to gather, the nostalgia, and the pressure for everything to be holly and jolly can make boundary-holding feel nearly impossible. Total suck, right? Isn’t this the perfect time and place to put those gorgeous boundaries* that you have worked so hard to figure out for yourself to good use? Why the struggle? Seriously– what gives?
Read on for the answers to these frustrating questions. But also, for an approach to boundary setting during the holidays that protects your peace and well-being without making the dinner convo (too) super uncomfortable.
*In this blog post, we are defining boundaries as the invisible lines you draw around yourself to prioritize your needs, mental wellness and emotional safety. Boundaries are not about policing the behavior of others, but rather, being clear about how you will respond if someone crosses your invisible line.
Why Are Boundaries So Challenging During the Holidays?
The Power of Tradition
Holidays come with family traditions that many folks might feel obligated to uphold. These traditions, or rituals, create a sense of continuity but can also reinforce family dynamics and roles that may no longer make any sense, let alone feel comfortable. When someone tries to set a new boundary, it can feel like they’re challenging not just the family, but the holiday itself. For example, your family may have a tradition of rehashing old stories and lore from your childhood, even if some of those stories touch on sensitive topics or bring up uncomfortable memories (hello trauma, my old friend). If you try to set a boundary about avoiding these stories, you very well might encounter resistance. Family members may say, “Don’t be so sensitive,” “It’s just for fun” or “It’s tradition!” The expectation to “lighten up” because “we always talk about this” can make it hard for someone to request a shift in the conversation.The Chokehold of Expectations and Social Pressure
Families often have unspoken expectations about how holidays should unfold, whether it’s who hosts, how long everyone stays, attendance at religious services or a style of gift giving. These expectations can lead to guilt for choosing not to engage in them, especially if you worry about disappointing loved ones. Setting boundaries in the face of these expectations can feel like breaking an unwritten holiday “rule.” Perhaps it’s traditional for your family to stay together for several days over the holidays, whether it’s at one family member’s home or at a shared rental. If you prefer a shorter stay or (gasp!) your own space, it can be challenging to request that change without feeling guilty that you’re rejecting family time. The tradition of “we all stay under one roof” may carry a sentimental value that, especially when reinforced by social pressure, makes opting out feel like you’re letting the family down.The Fear of Conflict and Myth of Good Cheer
For some, the holidays are alllll about peace and togetherness, so setting a boundary can feel like inviting conflict into what’s supposed to be a happy time. But if your family is prone to conflict and disagreement, you might forego boundary-setting altogether to sidestep arguments and avoid the inevitable disaster. This is especially true if you are already accustomed to your family plowing right through your boundaries when you try to assert them. Also, the assumption that everyone should be cheerful, accommodating, and forgiving can put pressure on us to ignore our needs, “In the name of good cheer!” “In the name of FAMILY!” It’s no wonder that so many of us return home from the holidays utterly exhausted and in need of a vacation from the family visit.The Reversion to Old Family Roles
When we gather with family, it’s common to fall back into familiar roles from our childhood or past. Even if we’ve grown and evolved, being around family can make us feel like we’re back in those old dynamics, which makes asserting new boundaries even harder. Maybe you played the Peacemaker role growing up and have since done the heavy lifting to center your own wellbeing and let go of feeling responsible for resolving others’ conflict on behalf of the family’s collective comfort. Walking through the front door of your childhood home can act like a portal whisking you back in time, and plopping you smack in the middle of a squabble between two people who are expecting you to smooth things over for them… at your own emotional expense. And you do exactly that, despite your best efforts to grind against those old, dusty habits. It’s not your fault this happens– it’s your decades-deep conditioning within your family of origin to play this role with a level of performance that rivals Meryl Streep.
Now Onto The Good Stuff…
How To Assert Your Boundaries Like A Pro
(and Protect Your Peace!)
Identify Your Non-Negotiables Ahead of Time
Before you set off to spend time with your family, reflect on what you need to feel emotionally safe and comfortable. This might mean setting limits on how much time you spend with certain members or deciding which topics you’d prefer not to discuss (ahem… election year). Having clarity about your needs beforehand makes it easier to communicate them effectively to others. And remember, this isn’t about asking for permission around a particular need– that’s what makes them non-negotiables. If this feels “harsh” or you really struggle with the idea of having non-negotiables for yourself, you might also consider deciding what IS negotiable– just to offer some balance in your headspace. This could be as simple as sorting out if there’s anything you do feel okay with having some mild discomfort around without feeling unsafe. Maybe you decide that even though you would loooove to have your own space and not share a house with family members, you’re okay with the mild discomfort of sleeping under one roof and will instead prioritize finding ways to get your solo time between the living room conversations and group meals.Practice Clear + Kind Communication
It might not be all that shocking that in most situations, a straightforward yet compassionate approach towards others can go a long way. Let’s say you want to leave a gathering at a certain time; you might say, “I’m really looking forward to spending the evening with you all, and I’ll need to leave a bit early and head out by 9 p.m. to take care of myself. I appreciate that you want me to stay, but it’s not possible this time.”Bonus tip for clear communication: Framing your boundaries with “I” statements keeps the focus on your needs rather than implying blame. For instance, “I need to step outside for a moment to clear my head,” is often better received by others than “You’re being really difficult.”
Prepare for Pushback (and Don’t Take It Personally)
Family members may not understand or respect your boundaries right away. Remind yourself that their reactions are more about them and their expectations than about you. Holding firm to your boundaries—even if it’s uncomfortable at first—reinforces your commitment to your values AND your own well-being. If you want to try your hand at challenging the “fear of conflict and myth of good cheer” that we discussed earlier, this is your opportunity! You got this!Have an Exit Plan for Difficult Situations
If you know that certain family interactions tend to become overwhelming or emotionally unsafe, have an exit strategy ready to go. This could look like heading out for a solo walk, taking a morning for yourself to recharge or excusing yourself to another room if the conversation veers into uncomfortable territory. No apologies necessary.
A final word on boundaries: they are your values, put to action.
Boundaries are not just about what you will or won't do, or what you will or won't accept. Boundaries help protect what you care most about. When someone crosses your boundary, they are most likely violating one of your values. Instead of seeing boundaries as “walls” or acts of distance, view them as ways to celebrate your personal values and bring them into your holiday experience– perhaps even making this time of year more enjoyable and peace-filled.
If this looks like a lot (because it is!) and you aren’t sure where to even begin when it comes to mentally + emotionally preparing for your time home during the holidays, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. Seeking individual therapy for relationships can be the game changer you need to explore your role within your family, clarify your values and define the boundaries that protect them. I’d love to set up a chat and discuss how working with me 1:1 can help you approach your time with family during the holidays and year-round from a place of groundedness, gracefulness and unwavering self-trust.
Layne Baker, LMFT
As a licensed therapist in California, I help high achieving, overly-responsible perfectionists learn how to get crystal clear about their values, have confidence in their decisions, set boundaries with loved ones, trust their instincts and take care of themselves for REAL.
For online therapy support in Los Angeles, San Fransisco, and the greater California area, reach out today.
